I’m not the perfect mother. I don’t even know what that is. But I do know I fall short. There are so many choices I have made throughout the years that I wish to God I could take back. They were life-changing and never worth the loss. I will have to live with that and my personal vulnerabilities that were decisive, albeit intermingled with some bad luck, in framing these. One thing I can say to all mothers is that those years from birth to double-digit ages, set the stage, and tend to even the score when you fuck up later in life (within reason, girlfriends! 😉 ) Mine? I’ve never been anything but totally authentic with my kids (this is a hard won choice with many adversaries lining up against me including their father), and they have cultivated a healthy, though feisty, acceptance, even appreciation, dare I say admiration (at times), for it. My negotiated vulnerability in their presence has not always been easily won, or without despair, but it is made of flesh and blood. Clay is for partisans and my kids have zero tolerance for those – they are MY kids after all. But I am also no nonsense. I don’t have lots of lines…this leaves them often incredulous, but the few I have are not to be crossed. Once crossed, I am unrelenting in making it known, and reeling them in to a process of negotiation. This is not always smooth. But it runs deep. We are all also all about fun…playing together, being ridiculous, and totally, embarrassingly, not becoming of our age. My possessive and protective nature is not to be messed with ….ever…my love for these kids will permit, tolerate no one who is the cause of their grief. I have their back…ALWAYS! Loyalty runs deep in the Pirocacos family and it’s betrayal is never forgiven. 🙂 This they know well and they carry-on the Pirocacos flame.
We’ve all changed. All of us transitioning still…yes, even me. I might be 53, but I ain’t dead. Inertia, active or not, is not my friend. Indeed, there are no years in my life that have seen more rapid growth than the last two. And as with all exhilarating change, it is not always easily digestible! 🙂 Motherhood, in the eyes and hearts of my children, through my visceral realization, has turned on putting my existential plight out there. I’ll admit that it is distinctively received by my son and daughter. My son, generally prefers to glide through life, making the fewest possibly pit stops for anything at any existential cost. My daughter? Well we girl talk and negotiate without pause, usually when we’re driving around the city – our favourite pastime! Neither is EGO! Neither pretentious. Neither finds hedonism and fear sitting at the steering wheel. They too struggle with finding a purposively comportment that will carry them. It is this that brings both joy and grief as I witness their transition into adulthood.
Thomas remains that gentle soul with a heart of gold seeking excitement as he travels from island to island, venue to venue, and my daughter, still that steamingly feisty, elegant woman of toiled composure, looks to her future and divines a life extraordinary.
Happy Mother’s Day!